Wicked Queen

I am so sick of being called the wicked queen! I am not wicked- I’m obsessive. There’s a big difference. All I ever wanted was to be the fairest in the land. Maybe attempted homicide was a bit extreme, but that doesn’t make me evil. Do you have any idea what it’s like to constantly be around someone you know looks better than you? It’s terrible! Besides, I was doing a favor for all of humankind. That girl is just too happy for her own good!  All I’m saying is that it wasn’t completely my fault, but I’m still destined to go down in fairy tale history as “the Wicked Queen.”

Misunderstood Stepmother

Snow white?  I’ll tell you about Snow White!  You think she looks like that naturally?  (she spends hours on her make up.) And who do you think cleans all that up? It wasn’t snow white, I’ll tell you that. I never made her do any chores. She’s just like my friends stepdaughter, in front of guests she refuses to let anyone else lift a finger and then turns it around and makes us look bad. I’m telling you, that Cinderella girl should get together with snow white. Let them fight it out as to who gets to do the work. It’s like some kind of . . . Complex or something.

Where’s My Happily Ever After?

You’re right, you’re absolutely right. I don’t belong here. But do any of us? Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think! Queen Narcissa- the seven dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened? It left you the Unfairest of them all! Now you’re hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? You, frumpy pigskin, right Rumpelstiltskin…my bad. Where’s that first born you were promised, eh?  Hook! Need I say more? Anastasia, remember when you couldn’t get your fat foot in that glass slipper? Cinderella is out there right now, eating bon bons and schmoozing with every last fairy tale creature that has ever done you wrong! There are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So, who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?

Cinderella’s Dream

I had the strangest dream, my fairy godmother sprinkled happy dust over Anastasia and Drizella, and they were so nice to me!  I know that was only a dream, but it was so nice, that I think I’ll try to pretend that it really happened. Whenever they are mean to me, I’ll pretend they actually said something sweet and kind. “Sure, I’ll wash you dresses, Drizella… I would love to polish your shoes, Anastasia. Right away dear sisters, thank you!”(giggles) did you see their faces! They must to think I’ve gone mad. Did you see how they hurried to their rooms and slammed the doors? They may not actually be caring or good nature, but they’ll be too scared to come out of their rooms for at least a few hours. So … Who’s up for a game of hide-and-seek while we’ve got the run of the house?

Turkey Emergency

The nature of my emergency?  Uhhh, I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an 11  on it.  Ohhhh, this is nine-eleven, I thought you said this was 9-1-1.  What! 9-1-1 and nine eleven are the same thing?  They say you learn something new everyday.  O.k. calm down, my mother wanted me to ask if you guys know how to cook a turkey-  yes cook a turkey.   The emergency is that we are hungry.  Listen, if my mother cooks this turkey, we’ll be calling you anyway because we’ll all be sick.  I know, i know, you have other calls to take, oh, by the way, earlier we heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.  No, I don’t have an address, I’m wearing black capris and a top.  Oh, the gunshot thing, minor details.  Gotta go.  Have to convince my mom to spend thanksgiving at Aunt Marcia’s house.  This is the real life or death situation here!

Frog Prince

Hello. My name is prince Frederick and I am a . . . A fly addict. It’s all my father’s

Fault. No, really. I’m not just trying to blame someone else. You see, when he made up the list for my christening he made a slight error. He left my godmother off the list and she got a little . . . Upset. She sort of flew off the handle and turned me into a frog. She has since sought therapy to try and find better ways of dealing with her stress.  Anyway, I had to get a beautiful princess to kiss me so that I could turn back to normal. You can imagine the line of them just waiting to do so. It took me twenty years, but I finally found one willing to kiss my slimy frog lips. After my transformation we were married and supposed to live happily ever after.  Unfortunately, she broke up with me because of my addiction. Well, that and the lily pads in the bathtub drain.

Prince’s Complaint

Aren’t there any normal princesses out there??  I’d like to meet a princess who actually likes me- for me- not just because i came valiantly to her rescue.  A princess who reads by the hour because she likes books!  Not because she’s been locked in a tower for years.  That would be refreshing!  A princess who hide her beautiful face in ashes and pretend to be a maid until i throw a ball, and then suddenly there she appears- only to disappear again.  I mean some guys think that’s interesting- but I’d like to actually finish our dance and say good night?  And then really!  You think the best way to meet me is to eat a poison apple and get your seven best friends put you in a glass coffin!  A simple, “Hi, my name is Snow White.” Would work just fine for me!  Really!  (Prince hears something) oh no!  Gotta run.  Another princess in trouble!

Grouch

Ahhh, I love this crummy weather!  Oh, yes, isn’t just heaven when it’s all gloomy and dreary like this.  Yep, this weather is my cup of mud.  I’m glad that someone agrees with me!  Oh you don’t huh!?  So you’re with them!  So you think it should all be sunshine and roses, huh? Yuck! Just go with the flow? No way! It warms my heart to feel the frost!  Spring and warmer days? Forget it feather face! Now I’ve done it!  I’ve made you mad!  There’s nothing better than an angry face in a beautifully dreary place!  Guess you think I should leave, huh?  Oh yeah, YOU should scram! (waits for person to leave) well if you’re not leaving, I am!  Have a perfectly rotten day!

Timid

(to self)  I c-c-can do this! I just have to practice!  (as if to a mirror) hi!  I’m T -T-T-Tim!  Nice to meet you.  It may seem to you that I don’t care when you say hi and I don’t answer.  Or I hide behind the nearest tree or desk.   You might think that I don’t have a lot to say when I get stuck on a letter or a w-w-w-word.  But I do!  I have lots to say and I do care.  It’s just sometimes the words don’t want to come out, or I’m worried you’ll think I’m weird or something.  (looks up to audience) H-h-h-have you been standing there the whole time???  (smiles big) I did it!  I talked in front of people!!

Respect for the King

You say the king should have the highest respect in his kingdom?  I agree.  I am the king, and i shall have your respect!  A king’s head should be the highest in his kingdom- so sit down already!  I can’t stand forever.   (sits) ahh, that’s better.  Now I will tell you why I want to be respected. Not because I was born with royal blood, or that I own the most land, or have the most political power-no!  Justice!  Above all justice!  This king will be respected because his people know that their king will keep them safe, and bring justice to those steal from the weak!  Justice for my people.

Michael from Peter Pan

I won’t go to bed, I won’t, I won’t! Nana, it isn’t six o’clock yet. Two minutes more, please, one minute more? Nana, I won’t be bathed, I tell you I will not be bathed! I want to play house with Wendy and John. See, they’re pretending to be like mother and father. They need someone to play the child. Now John, have me. If you are not going to have me, then am I not to born at all? Please John, nobody wants me!

Wendy from Peter Pan

Boy, why are you crying? You say that you are not crying? Oh, yes you are. What is your name? Wendy, Moira, Angela, Darling. What’s yours? Peter Pan, is that all? Oh, it is. In that case, I’m so sorry. Where do you live? The second star to the right and straight ‘till what? What a funny address. I ah mean, is that what they put on your letters? Well if you don’t get letters, you mother must get… You don’t have a mother? Oh, Peter.

Peter Pan

Yes, Wendy, I know fairies! But, they’re nearly all dead now. You see, when the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into thousand of pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. So, there ought to be a fairy for every boy and girl. There isn’t of course. You see children know such a lot now. Soon they don’t believe in fairies, there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead. I can’t think she is gone. Tinkerbell, Tink, where are you?

John from Peter Pan

Peter, you can really fly? Could you teach us to fly? Could you teach us to jump on the wind’s back and away we’ll go!?! Instead of sleeping in our silly beds we might be flying about saying funny things to the stars! How do we do it? Think lovely thoughts? Think lovely thoughts! Fishing… picnics… sailing… PRESENTS!!! And away we goooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Lost Boy from Peter Pan

I saw Pirates! I saw Indians! Not only did I see Pirates, and Indians, but I saw a wonderfuller thing. High over the lagoon I saw the loveliest, great, white bird. It is flying this way. It looks weary and as it flies it moans, “Poor Wendy”. I think there are birds called Wendies. See, here it comes! Look how white it is. Hey, there’s Tinkerbell. Tink is trying to hurt the Wendy. She says Peter wants us to shoot the Wendy. Let us do what Peter wishes. Out of my way, Tink. I’ll shoot it. I’ve shot the Wendy! Peter will be so pleased!

Andromeda (a Star)

Have you ever wondered where Neverland is? Is it on another planet?  Another star?  Some say you can find it if you think happy thoughts… some say you must have fairy dust!  Some say babies who fall out of their prams get swept up by fairies and taken to Neverland for safe keeping.  Wait! How come there are only lost BOYS there?Of course, because girls are too smart to fall out of their prams!  At least that’s what Peter says!

Captain Hook from Peter Pan

Split me infinitives, but ‘tis me hour of Triumph! Peter killed at last and all the boys are about to walk the plank. At last, I’ve reached me peak! All mortals envy me- no little children love me. I’m, told they play at Peter Pan, and that the strongest always chooses to be Peter. They force the baby to be Hook. THE BABY!  Blimey, that will be no more!  The strongest will always choose to me!  Captain James Hook!

Tiger Lily from Peter Pan

I’ll not tell you a thing!  I will uphold the honor of my tribe- I do not fear death.  Peter Pan! He will rescue me.  Peter man, who to me, is the sun, moon, and stars!  You are no match for Peter Pan.  Peter Pan is the bravest and strongest of all boys.

Pirate 

Can I talk like a pirate?  Ay, matie!  Avast! Ahoy!  Aye-aye, I can!   Shiver me timbers! I can talk like a pirate better than any lily-livered, jelly-legged sea-goer that ever there once was!  I says whatever I’ve got to say in a pirate way and if any bilge-sucking buccaneer says I don’t, I’ll cleave him to the brisket!  I swear on Davy Jones’ Locker, to be a true blue pirate you’ve got to be able to load a cannon and fire it- but most important you’ve got to talk like a pirate!

Lion from Wizard of Oz

Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? C ourage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the “ape” in apricot? What have they got that I ain’t got?  Courage? You can say that again!

Munchkin Major from Wizard of Oz

As Mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the land of Oz we welcome you most regally, but we have to verify it legally. To see, if she is morally, ethically, spiritually, physically, undeniably and reliably dead. Then this is a day of independence for all the munchkins and their descendants. Let the joyous news be spread. The wicked old witch at last is dead!

Glinda the Good Witch from Wizard of Oz

Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Or is that the witch? Well, I’m a little muddled. The munchkins called me because a new witch has dropped a house on the wicked witch of the east. There’s the house and here you are and that’s all that’s left of the wicked witch of the east. And so, what the munchkins want to know is, are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz

Pardon me, that way is a very nice way. It’s pleasant down that way, too. Am I confusing you on purpose, of course not. You see, I can’t make up my mind because I haven’t got a brain, only straw. How can I talk if I haven’t got a brain? Hmmm, well some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?

Dorothy from Wizard of Oz

Follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Now which way do we go? That’s funny. Wasn’t he pointing the other way?     Don’t be silly, Toto, scarecrows don’t talk.  Why, you did say something. Are you doing that on purpose or can’t you make up your mind? You haven’t got a brain? How can you talk if you haven’t got a brain?

Wicked Witch of the West from Wizard of Oz

Nikko, Nikko! Where is the commander of my aerobatic apes? There you are. I have an important task for you. My enemies are about to enter the Haunted Forest. I want you to rouse your men and snatch the sickening little girl and her equally nauseating little dog. I’ll conjure up a spell to take the fight out of her. Now which of my creepy crawlie creations shall I send to plague her? The flibberty gibbet? No! The fly by night? No! Aha! I have it! The jitterbug! There is no more infectious bug in my book of spells. Once bitten, they can never stop dancing till they drop! And when they do, you shall be there to scoop up the little brat and the little brute and bring them both to me! Now go!

Wizard of Oz

Come forward. I am Oz the great and powerful. Who are you? WHO are YOU? Silence! The great and powerful Oz knows why you’ve come. Tinman, step forward. You dare to come to me for a heart, do you? You clinking, clanking, clattering, collection of collinginous junk.

Lion from Wizard of Oz

Roooaaarrr! Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Which one of ya first? I’ll fight ya both together if you want. I’ll fight ya with one paw tied behind my back. I’ll fight ya standing on one foot. I’ll fight ya with my eyes closed. Oh, pulling an ax on me eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why ruff, ruff!

Munchin Girl from Wizard of Oz

We thank you very sweetly for doing it so neatly. You’ve killed her so completely that we thank you very sweetly. Let the joyous news be spread! The wicked old witch at last is dead.

Tinman from Wizard of Oz

Oil can.  O i l c a n. My mouth.  The other side.  My, my, my, goodness. I can talk again! Oil my arms, please. Oil my elbows. It feels wonderful. I’ve held that ax up for ages. It was about a year ago that I was chopping that tree and suddenly it began to rain. Right in the middle of a chop I rusted solid.

Dorothy from Wizard of Oz

Aunt Em! Aunt Em! Just listen to what Miss Gulch did to Toto.     Aunt Em, she hit him and . . . Oh, but Aunt Em, Miss Gulch hit Toto right over the back with a rake just because she says he gets into her garden and chases her nasty old cat. But he doesn’t do it every day, just once or twice a Week and he can’t catch her old cat anyway. Now she says she’s going to call the sheriff!

Molly from “Annie”
Mama! Mama! Mommy! I was dreamin’ ‘bout my Mama, Annie. We was on the merry-go-round and she was smiling and holding my hand. And then, she was gone. I couldn’t stop the merry-go- round and I couldn’t find her no more, no where. Annie, will you read me your note again, please? It always makes me feel better. I promise I’ll go to sleep after you read me your Note.

Pepper from “Annie”

Hush, Molly! Can’t anybody get any sleep around here? Don’t feel sorry for her. We’re the one’s who aint getting any sleep! Shut your trap, Molly! What? You’re telling me to pipe down? You must have meant that tone of voice for someone else. You wanna make somethin’ of it? You’re just beggin’ for a black eye, pal.

Tessie from “Annie”

Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness! They’re fighting again and I won’t get no sleep all night! Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness! Molly’s talkin’ in her sleep. Her eyes are still closed. She don’t know how loud or soft her voice is when she’s asleep. At least she’s not snoring. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Now she’s snoring!

Annie

 Pipe down, all of you. Do you want Hannigan to hear you? I know, she’s talking in her sleep. Shhhh, Molly. It’s all right, Annie’s here. Blow. It was only a dream. Now we’ve all got to get back to sleep. It’s after three a.m. All right, I’ll read you my note again if you promise to go back to sleep. (clears throat) “ . . . Please take care of our little darling. We’ve named her Annie. She was born on Oct. 28 . . . “ So, you’re laughing are you? Do you want to sleep with your teeth inside your mouth or out?

Orphan Boy

 I got him! I got the dog! Now what should we do with him? The dog Catcher said he was dangerous. He don’t look dangerous to me. He’s just a dumb mutt, that’s all. He aint worth nothin’. Maybe We should shoot him. We’d be town heroes! Hey, I know what we could do with him. (with a mischievous grin) As long as we don’t get caught . . .

Poor Boy

Stew again? We had stew last night – and the night before. There isn’t any meat in it.   I know, beggers can’t be choosers. Will you look at this? We made the papers again. “…In Hoover they trusted and now they are busted…” The story of our lives. “ … thousands of once affluent Americans are today Living in makeshift towns known as Hoovervilles…” It says here that in New York City alone there are more than a dozen Hoovervilles. We’re famous!

Officer Higgins from “Annie”

 Hey, you, little girl. Come over here. That dog There, haven’t I seen him running around the neighborhood? Ain’t he a stray? You say he’s your Dog? Hmmm? So what’s his name? Sandy, huh? O.K. let’s see him answer to his name. Call him by His name, Sandy. CALL HIM. Maybe he is your dog, but the next time I want to see him with a leash and a license, understand?

Grace from “Annie”

Good afternoon, Miss Hannigan is it? Oh, good. I’m Grace Farrell and the New York City board of orphans suggested that I . . . Miss Hannigan, I’m sorry but I don’t have the slightest idea about this run-away that you’re talking about. I’m not peddling anything. I’m the private secretary to Oliver Warbucks. Mr. Warbucks has decided to invite an orphan to spend the Christmas holidays at his home. I’m here to select one.

Rooster from “Annie”

Hiya Sis. Long time no see. Yup, they finally let me out of Leavenworth. I got six months off for good behavior. You wanna know what I was in for? Ahh, some old geezer from Yonkers said I swindled him out of 11 hundred bucks. Ya know why he said that? Because the Rooster swindled him outta 11 hundred bucks! Sis, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine from . . . Jersey city. Miss Lily St. Regis. Whatdaya think, sis? She’s named after the hotel. (chuckles) No, I’m not sure which floor

Warbucks from “Annie”

Been away six weeks, where is everybody? Hello! It’s good to be home. The flight wasn’t bad. It took eleven hours and we only had to land four times. Now, first thing’s first. Has the painting arrived from Paris? Let me see it before they hang it. Ah, yes. Hmm? No, I don’t think so. Any messages? The president. I’ll get back to him tomorrow. Anyone else? All right, good to see you all again. Grace, if you’ll get your notebook and – – Who is that? The orphan? But that’s not a boy. orphans are supposed to be boys.

Lily from “Annie”

Why did the old geezer from Yonkers say that the Rooster Swindled him outta 11 hundred bucks? Because he swindled Him outta 11 hundred bucks. I’m Lily St. Regis from Jersey City. You know, like the hotel. I’m named after it! So you live in this dump? The city may foot your bill but This aint exactly Buckingham Palace. Your pearls aint even Real. Rooster, I thought you said your big sis was livin’ in Clover? She’s livin’ in the skids.

Hannigan from “Annie”

Ah ha! Caught ya! I hear ya! I always hear ya! Get Up! All of ya! Well, is this the way you say good-Morning? I know it’s 4 O’ clock in the morning. That’s Your problem. Now what do you say? W h a t d o y o u S a y ? Tell me how much you love me. Rotten orphans! You kids in here, get up! Put them things away. For this One’s shenanigans you’ll scrub the floors and strip them beds for the laundry man. Rise and shine!